Fighting Fair – How to Navigate Conflicts

Fighting Fair – Conflicts with your partner are inevitable. But there are ways to navigate them for healthier connections

‘As featured in The House of Wellness + Relationships’
By Pip Jarvis – Featuring Dr Amanda Mullin

Stuck in a cycle of blaming each other or shutting down when things get tense? Even the healthiest relationships involve conflict, but disagreeing without disconnecting can be a challenge. From choosing your words wisely to knowing when to take five, the trick isn’t avoiding fighting — it’s learning how to do it well.

To help you navigate conflict the right way, three relationship experts share their insights.

Conflict isn’t the enemy

The experts agree that conflict is unavoidable — and useful. It’s essential for closeness, marriage and family therapist Ronald Hoang says.

Clinical psychologist Dr Katie Kjelsaas notes it allows us to find our “edges”.

“Disagreement is one of the key ways human beings both clarify their own experiences and attune to the experiences of others,” Dr Kjelsaas says.

“It’s also evidence that an issue or relationship matters to us if we’re willing to put energy into it, fight about it, fight for it.”

However, the way you manage conflict matters, and arguments can either deepen or erode a connection. Clinical psychologist Dr Amanda Mullin says a “good” fight requires curiosity — listening to understand rather than to win — and the ability to disagree respectfully.

Reacting versus responding

According to Ronald, most mistakes around conflict involve escalation, withdrawal, invalidation or negative interpretations.

Problems arise when we jump to a reactive state — fighting to “win” or going on the defensive.

Dr Kjelsaas says our partner often mirrors this behaviour, leaving us “in a pattern or dance that can make all our arguments feel like Groundhog Day”.

When emotions take charge, curiosity wanes. Dr Mullin points out: “We start generalising, using words like ‘always’ and ‘never’. And we start to interrupt, withdraw or get sarcastic — none of which is very helpful.”

Inconveniently, our brain is wired to dig up old hurts — reminding us of times we’ve felt unappreciated and turning the question of who’s doing the dishes into a heated argument.

It’s never really about the dishes

Disputes around money, sex, parenting and family are common.

“These may sound like different issues, but the deeper need is often the same,” Dr Kjelsaas says.

While couples may bicker about emptying the dishwasher, Dr Mullin says the real conflict runs deeper.

“Do you see me? Do you value me? Am I important to you?” On the surface, it looks like logistics, but what’s really being expressed is a longing for connection, fairness and appreciation.

Pattern forming

According to Dr Mullin, the way we argue has complicated and interconnected roots.

“It’s shaped by what we’ve experienced, attachment styles, what we’ve observed and how safe we feel in relationships,” she says.

Past trauma and modelling can inform our approach to conflict and we may repeat familiar scenes.

“If your parents calmly discussed differences and repaired afterwards, you probably absorbed that as normal,” Dr Mullin says.

“But if arguments were about blame or control, those patterns can carry forward.”

Add in the stress of parenting, finances and ever-present exhaustion, and minor disagreements can seem much larger.

Rupture, repair, relearn

The good news is our fighting style isn’t fixed. “We can unlearn and relearn a new way of interaction,” Ronald says.

According to Dr Kjelsaas, the aftermath is as important as the fight itself. “Can you repair? How quickly do you repair? How completely do you repair?”

Dr Mullin agrees repair is crucial. She adds that regular fighting can be much healthier than simmering resentment.

“Some couples fight often but stay emotionally connected and respectful,” she says. “They recover quickly, make up and move forward.”

“Knowing that even if you clash, you’ll repair, reconnect, respect and still choose each other is what matters in relationships.”

How to dial down the discord

+ Listen to understand — not to work out what you’ll say next.
+ Pause and take breaks when you need, but don’t withdraw without communicating. Say: “I want to keep talking, but I need a minute to settle first.”
+ Avoid criticism, contempt and defensiveness. Use “I feel” statements. Don’t interrupt or assume intentions.
+ Always make efforts to repair afterwards — reconnect through touch, humour, or a simple “I love you, that was tough.” Dr Mullin says.